New Years' (Fall Edition)

Why not make a new start right now right here?
Well I’m commencing in September
Because I work in Academic years
And that means by the summer
I can give up on it all
Because School’s done
And so am I
And so are we.

We kick up the fallen leaves
Like we don’t care about anything
Like they’re our responsibilities and feelings
And we are through with the both of them.

If I wait until January it’ll surely be too late
I know it’s sadly true to character
But there’s no more I can take
And if it means by July
All my resolutions are over
That’s just great
Because I am
And so are you.

We kick up the road trash
Like we don’t care about anything
Like they’re our long lost hopes and dreams
And we are through with the both of them.

The Steps In Between

I already know the rules of the game

I just want to see you play.

I’ve heard these words rehearsed before

But I ache to hear you say them.

You are a musician, an artist

And I’m a lyricist.

Think if our creations met,

Flirted and

Finally kissed.

Oh the desire we’d feed if we suspended that moment

And wrote songs for the steps in between.

He’s drawn to me

Like sand to the bottom of the hourglass,

I pull him in, but I don’t mean to.

He’s intrigued by me

Watching my hand guide my pen across pages

As if it’s Jesus’ drawing in the sand.

He’s enamoured with me

He wants to see what I become

Like pebbles into beaches. Like it matters.

Like I care.

So detached in my attachment am I

Yet I can’t deny it’s there.

You are a musician, an artist

And I’m a lyricist.

Think if our creations met,

Flirted and

Finally kissed.

Oh the desire we’d feed if we suspended that moment

And wrote songs for the steps in between.

He’s tied to me

So for all I push away he returns back here,

Like a tide to the shore, he turns.

He’s addicted to me,

I can’t give enough for the need in his veins

And it drains us both. But we can’t help it.

He longs for me,

Like continuity but also like passion.

And my heart hurts too. My heart hurts.

My heart yearns

Complex, contrary and caught in between steps

But the fire still burns.

I Don't Bleed Ink, My Pen Does.

A picture is worth a thousand words
But a thousand words can paint a picture
And then some
Because your imagination interferes.
I have to write.

Because encasing it in letters
Legitimises my emotion.
Like the words are a net
Over a misty haze of meaning,
Clarifying it, bringing it down to earth, to analyse
But letting enough escape
Through the holes to retain ambiguity
And leave it misunderstood.
Just how I like it.

The words are like the brush strokes of a passionate painter,
Following his heart through his hand
Dealing with the details
Later.

Re-visiting and re-writing
Is polishing the dull urn
Of a loved one’s ashes,
You take great care not to tamper with the contents
Full to the brim as they were
Of memories and motivation.
You shine the outside to make yourself feel better
To look conscientious.
Yet the inside lies at peace.
Untouched.
Like tip-toeing round a sleeping child
Unwilling to disturb their dreams.

Impression forms expression.
I take it in I write it out.
I have to write.

My Victorian Book Shelf

Why is it when I read Oscar Wilde I think of you?
Were you there when he penned 'Dorian Gray'? Were you his muse?
Through all your pretence and performance, I can still read you.
No matter the winds or the waves of life,
I would not change you.

You are love and literature
The poetic and the poet
The hopelessness of hopefulness
The soulful and the lonely.
August evenings, Ryan Adams,
Records, wine and cigarette smoke.
The times I knew what I wanted
But not how I felt.
These are bittersweet memories and they speak for themselves
And they curl in the pages of novels on my Victorian Book Shelf.

It breaks my heart to read Oscar Wilde and see you there
I hide like Dorian Gray in what was once so fair.
Through all the pretence and games you play, I wish I still knew you
But I blinked and missed the winds and waves
That came and stole you.

You are the touch of a stranger
The devotion in a ransom note
The aching of a dry heart
The rocks that trip me as I walk.
Winter twilight, broken records,
Hot tears, cold hands, sleepless nights.
The moment I saw what I'd already lost
And forfeited the fight.
These are sweetly bitter memories
And they won't lose themselves.
So they haunt the dusty novels there
On my Victorian book shelf.

Blog 1: Quarter Life Crisis

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
(Hebrews 12:1)

God’s been teaching me a lot lately. Well actually, He always is isn’t He? I guess the truth is I’ve been really listening lately…
Anyway, I’ve been working through a few things in my head. For example what I do and don’t need in my life. What things I need to be thankful for and what things I need to get rid of. A very late spring clean, if you will.
I started with material stuff.

I have a lot of things cluttering up my space in my room for example. I’m looking to sell clothes, cuddly toys CDs, books, bags and shoes and give the money to someone who needs it more than I do. (Details are to be prayed over on this one! I’ll keep you updated…)
There was also stuff I’d been holding on to that were unhealthy memories for me to keep.
This stuff was making me dwell unnecessarily on the past and therefore distracting me from the present and future. Don’t get me wrong, I love memorabilia. I have a memory box, and love keeping random items to remind me of good times.

But there are just certain things that one day you realise don’t need to be in there. For me, these things included letters, CDs and notes that had way too strong a hold on my heart, and were no longer relevant to the present. So they went.

Thus I wandered down the tricky, twisting path from stuff that reminds me of emotional times in the past to how I feel right now and what is holding me back from “running the race”.

There was plenty here that needed clearing out. My heart was a mess of lies I had believed and attachments I needed to break away from.
The first was on my calling, preaching. I’d been believing a lot that made me doubt myself, that made me ignore all the amazing experiences God had given me when using my gift and made it about me, and what I thought I could and could not do. Rather than about God and the fact that there’s nothing He can’t do, even through broken people like me.
I didn’t even need to seek affirmation from God on this one, He saw the doubts in my heart and brought me the reassurance I was scared to ask for. And then repeated Himself. Just in case I didn’t get it the first time, because, like most humans, I usually don’t.

The second thing God has been teaching me about was friendship.
I’ve realised that though I am very fortunate in having a lot of wonderful friends who I enjoy spending time with, I need to be careful who I invest my heart in. I say this because I think that there is a difference between loving someone and investing your heart in them. The second one involves you knowing that the person is going to take care, as best they can, of your investment. This is not, understandably, the case with all of my friends and I am beginning to see my true friends from those who are only sometimes around.
The friends I am holding on to are loving, encouraging, supportive, honest, kind, and loyal. They are there for me when I need them. They know how to make me smile. They are so worth holding on to. And I thank God regularly for them.

I’ve been reading Proverbs lately and I love it. Recently I was reading something Proverbs says about true friendship:
“A friend loves at all times, and kinsfolk are born to share adversity” (17:17)
I love that it says “kinship” because that’s like closer than friends, it’s more like family ties, and I feel like the friends who share in my joy and help me through my troubles, are that close to me. They feel like my second family. I hope you know who you are. I hope I tell you how wonderful you are. If I don’t: You are wonderful.
But proverbs also warns that “some friends play at friendship, but a true friend sticks closer than one’s family” (18:24)
It’s this “playing at friendship” that I am beginning to see signs of with some people. It’s not that I will stop loving them. Or stop seeing them. I will just be wary how much I trust them.
Basically I will guard my heart.

That verse at the top of this essay (well done for getting this far!!) from Hebrews describes this process of cleaning out the things that are holding me back from my life so I can “run the race” for Christ better, right now.
When it speaks about “the great cloud of witnesses” it is talking about the examples of people that have struggled and suffered for their faith described in the previous chapter. It’s drawing our attention to the fact that we are not alone in our fight and to draw inspiration from their example. In short, to hope against everything that’s telling us to give up.

And so I’m “throwing off everything that hinders and sin that entangles” so that I can run straight for God’s plans without tripping up on the weeds catching up around my ankles. With the knowledge that it’s not a sprint, and that I need endurance and perseverance in chasing after God’s goal and that from time to time I’m going to have to de-weed my life again to help prevent falling on my face.
But if I do trip up I know I have God’s grace to help me get back up. That’s ridiculously wonderful isn’t it? And it’s a path that God marked out for “us” so I’m not even running alone, even when it feels lonely, and it has been lately…
God has given me people to run along side me and encourage me to keep going.
Because the reason this is hard, the reason the enemy will try and trip me up, and the reason it’s all so worth the struggle is because I’m running God’s marathon.

So I guess what I’ve learned is to run it always looking ahead, towards the plans of the future and because of God’s love, to, like love (1Corinthians 13:7), always hope, always trust and always persevere no matter the challenges I face.